Just as fickle as a feather in a stream
See, honey, I saw love, you see it came to
me
It puts its face up to my face so I could
see
Yeah then I saw love disfigure me
Into something I am not recognizing
~ “Song For Zula” by Phosphorescent
Once in a
very great while, something extraordinary happens, and you are seduced into
feeling what cannot be explained; but, you know it is profound. It resonates
with such intensity that your heart breaks from the knowledge that this moment
will never be replicated. I call these my ‘hallelujah pauses’, in reference to
what I felt the first time I heard Jeff Buckley sing “Hallelujah”.
You . . .
wait . . . I . . . Yes, I . . . okay, *deep breath*
Let’s start again. . . .
I spend a
considerable amount of effort keeping the veneer on my emotions bright, shiny,
and unblemished. I take pride in my innate tendency to behave with logic and
pragmatism. I am not a ‘normal’ female who allows emotions and estrogen to
dictate my actions. This creates a comfortable buffer zone between my emotions
and my life. I know the emotions exist – but I am able to compartmentalize with
the efficiency of an IKEA store. I value this quality; both in myself and in
others. Therefore, when something pierces my ‘Kevlar vest’, I am forced to
process without the benefit of familiarity.
The first
time I read “Music of Chance” by Paul Auster, I felt it rip through me. It
changed my existence. I was a different person; not the same girl who read page
one. I re-read this novel at least once a year. Every time I read it, I feel
something new, something unexplored.
After watching
the movie “Red Violin”, I was inconsolable. I sobbed for over an hour, then fell
asleep. There was no rhyme or reason behind the apparent catharsis. I awakened
to a puffy face and eyes that were practically swollen closed. I love the film
and have watched it dozens of times since. Each viewing is emotionally
stimulating.
A couple of
weeks ago, ‘The Appraiser’ sent me, yet another, YouTube link which he promised
is the best song he has ever heard. This is not the first time he has made such
a promise. I was busy when he sent the link, and I closed the window before
saving it. Then, last night, he sent me a message asking whether I ever
listened to the song. He knows me all too well. I confirmed his suspicion that
I had not done so. He acknowledged his tendency to exaggerate about music; but
that this time it would be different. Instead of coming up with justification as
to why I didn’t have time to listen, I requested the link again. Seizing the
moment, I put on my headphones and clicked the play button.
The world
ceased to exist, with the exception of what I was hearing. Everything I have
ever known or felt was reborn during those 6 minutes and 11 seconds. When it
was over, I consciously told myself to breathe. I wiped the tears that were unashamedly
streaming down my face. I clicked the play button again. I tried to pinpoint
what it was that was drawing me energy to another place, another time. I couldn’t.
From the first note to the last, I just continued feeling as if the world was
on ‘Pause’.
I cannot
promise you that this particular song will invoke the same response from you. You
may listen and feel ‘nothing’. I do, however, encourage you to take stock of
your life’s ‘hallelujah pauses’. They are the Universe’s way of communicating revelations.
They are not subtle and they will not be ignored or compartmentalized. Take note.
Here is the “Song
for Zula”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FcdOLKx2XG8
PERSONAL NOTE: You are amazing and
beautiful!
CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: Yes, hearing it is
far better than reading it. Thank you for not being a moron.
