Girls Can Be Sports Fans Too

state of mind: pragmatic

Break involuntary ties

A secret so the spies could never find us out

Stay for as long as you have time

So the mess that we'll become leaves something to talk about

~ “Casual Affair” by Panic! At the Disco

Recently, I had dinner and drinks with a dear friend. The evening’s conversation took some very bizarre twists and turns before ending with this exchange, “You don’t have to finish your beer. You look like you are going to fall asleep.” – “I know. I want to finish it. But I think I am going to fall asleep. I gotta go home, dude. It’s almost 11.”

While I am not going to regale you with a play-by-play of the entire evening, I am going to share the part of the story where I revealed an extremely embarrassing tidbit from my past. It is something I had kept buried deep in my psyche until last night – 

Let me set the scene. I’m sitting at the end of a hotel bar. My friend is next to me. Next to him is a 30-something business traveler, followed by a 50-something business traveler, and then several others eating their late dinners and drinking Manhattan martinis. There are two female bartenders. We are regular visitors. I don’t even have to order. They just verify, “Sam Adams Seasonal? Tall?” as soon as I sit down.  There are several TVs above the bar. On the first and third TVs, baseball playoffs; the second and fourth had Thursday Night Football. 

3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . Roll Imagination Cameras and Action!

Me: I thought Detroit had stripes when they played away. 

Friend: Nope. Just the grays.

Me: Really? Has that always been the case? I mean, not pin stripes – but I really thought there were orange or black stripes.

Friend: No, you are thinking of the Cincinnati Bengals. Football. Not baseball. But yes, the other “Tiger” team. 

Me (with glee): Oh, you mean the football team that beat the Patriots and ruined their undefeated season this past weekend? Those Bengals? The ones that beat the cheater coach?

Friend (and Patriots fan):  Are you actually saying this to me? 

Me: Yep. 

30-something traveler: *quietly laughing*

Me: That was the best part of my weekend. Alternating between wanting to throw up and have a heart attack during the Broncos – Cowboys game, I giggled with glee every time a commentator mentioned that Tom Brady and his cheater coach lost to the Bengals. 

Friend: Are you serious? 

Then Friend and I began a ridiculous conversation about Tom Brady living a charmed life with his pretty face, his beautiful wife, their babies, and that even if he walked into the hotel at that moment and wanted to sleep with me I would respond with, “Well, will you wear a Broncos jersey and let me call you Peyton? Otherwise, no thanks.”

Me: To clarify, I only love Peyton when he is in uniform and pulls his arm back, creating perfect form to make a throw.

30-something traveler and 50-something traveler are now both trying not to laugh where we can hear them.

Me: I am going to tell you a secret. But, you have to understand that this is not something of which I am proud. 

Friend: OK

Me: So, when I was in high school . . . no wait, it must have been college. Yes, I was definitely in college. So, 1995 or 96.Not sure which. I was watching an NFL game on TV with some people and the officials had to run the chains out to verify a first down. I didn’t understand why they were bothering to run the chains out, when the first down was already marked on the field.  

Friend: *confused look*

Me: Yeah, I know. Wait for it. . . I did not realize that the yellow line on the television marking the first down distance was just a graphic.

Friend: What? You are kidding, right?

Me: No, I thought that officials on both sides of the field were holding posts attached to a yellow cellophane ribbon that went across the field so the players knew where the first down line was.

Friend: Uh

Me: And I was amazed at how tightly they kept the cellophane pulled so no one tripped over it during a play.

Friend: Let me get this straight. You thought that the yellow line was really on the field?

Me (voice escalating in pitch and volume): In my defense, it was the 90s. The graphics weren’t that good and there was no graphic for the line of scrimmage then.

Friend: That’s true; it was before the blue line was marked on TV as well. But, I mean . . .

Me (interrupting): There was no blue line. And it isn’t as if I thought the arrows were real when they were displayed. I mean, the yellow line made sense, so players would know when they reached the first down. It made sense . . . stop laughing. 

Friend: You are an intelligent girl. How did you think this?

30-something Traveler (unable to resist participating): I can see the confusion.

50-something traveler: *uncontrollable laughter*

Me: See? Even Mr. Eavesdropper over here gets it. I mean, it was 1996.

30-something Traveler: Right. 

Friend (laughing): He wasn’t eavesdropping. The whole bar can hear you.

Me (glancing up at the bar patrons): Then they are all eavesdroppers.

Every guy sitting at the bar is looking at us with varying expressions of joy, mirth, bliss, and glee.

Friend: Well, the story is funny and you are getting worked up about it.

50-something Traveler: I was eavesdropping too. I couldn’t help myself. This is fascinating.

Me: You all see my point though, right? It wasn’t as if I didn’t know how the game was played or something. TV was different then. The graphic . . . I mean . . .  It was a viable conclusion to draw. Anyway, the whole point was that I didn’t know why they were wasting time running chains. The game would be much better if the line were actually there. 

Friend: Wow!

Me: You cannot tell anyone this story. Blood oath.

Friend: Right. Blood oath.

Me (to 30-something Traveler): You can tell your kids or your grandkids this story if you want. Just stress that it was TV in the 90s. It was a different time then.

30-something Traveler: Will do.

50-something Traveler: *more laughter*

AND. . . . CUT. End Scene. PRINT IT! That’s a wrap, folks.

PERSONAL NOTE #1: Thank you for understanding that sometimes even bad logic still counts as logic.

PERSONAL NOTE #2: Love whomever you want. Homelessness and vandalism be damned.

CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: I miss you and our friendship each and every day. SWU!

For Reals

current state of mind: conflicted

Open that soda pop, watch it fizz and pop

The clock is tickin' and we can't stop

Open that soda pop, bop-a shu-bop shu-bop

The clock is tickin' and we can't stop

~ “Soda Pop” by Britney Spears

Last week I went to the doctor to talk about my sleep situation – AGAIN! Here is the situation in a nutshell . . . I have issues sleeping. When I do sleep, I don’t sleep well, per my sleep study technologist. My brain doesn’t sleep.  I can sleep for 12 hours and still not actually have any restorative sleep. .. Therefore, I have been walking around sleep deprived for a very long time. My dilemma is that I don’t want to take anything that makes me groggy; so while I have a prescription for some serious sleep meds, I rarely use them. On the flipside, I take medication to stay awake during the day – but I still have consistent daytime sleepiness.

Anyway, back to last week in my doctor’s office. I was chilling in Patient Room #2 and he walks in and asks how the sleep situation has been. I explain that the “stay awake” meds are losing effectiveness and that I am sleeping more frequently, but with no additional restfulness. He nodded thoughtfully, verified that I still wanted to refrain from traditional sleep medications, and then made an unconventional suggestion: “Okay, I want to try something. We are going to combine a prescription and a supplement to see if the combination will get you to sleep and keep you asleep. “

Before I tell you what I am taking, I want to tell you that after taking it for seven nights straight, I have noticed a difference in my sleep. I am not waking up in the middle of the night. I am still fighting my alarm clock, but I don’t feel the “sleep monster” fighting quite as aggressively. I think the stuff is working. Now for the troubling part. . .

The prescription portion of this sleep miracle has a detrimental side effect which occurs in approximately 10% of users. I was not aware of this side effect until yesterday. I have been experiencing the side effect, however, since Monday morning, when I bought a Diet Coke, took a drink and gagged. It tasted “off”. So, I bought a different one, which also tasted terrible. I complained to my co-worker, “Brack”, who said it tasted fine. The next day, the beer I ordered tasted “off”. Again, I complained to “Brack”. Wednesday; same story. Soda was gross. Beer tasted off. Last night was the final straw. I was drinking a swig of root beer. It was disgusting. Without thinking I said, “I think your root beer is out of date.” My date took a drink and said it tasted fine. I shook my head in dismay. What was happening to me?

Then memories of the past week flooded my brain. I grabbed my phone and Googled “Topamax and taste”. Wham, bam, thank you, ma’am. First search result I read talked about how a noted side effect of Topamax was . . .“Some people on TOPAMAX may have taste changes where food or drink tastes differently. This has been reported with carbonated beverages, for example.“ The next result mentioned that sometimes the issue will go away after a few months. That was really the most positive thing I could find about the situation.      

I have consumed more water in the past week than I have in the prior 6 months combined, I think. It is the only beverage thus far that hasn’t tasted differently. It saddens me. I feel like Meryl Streep at the end of Sophie’s Choice. Who do I put on the train? Diet Coke or Sleep?

*sniffle* *sniffle* Good bye, silver and red can of artificial goodness. I hope I will see you again, soon.

So, yeah, that’s my story. The other side effects mentioned have yet to be experienced . . . though, I wouldn’t mind the 4% – 6% weight loss. There’s always a silver lining.

PERSONAL NOTE: Thanks for being so awesome!

CONFIDENTIAL NOTE:  1 and 3 are guaranteed. 2, I will do my best.         

Write Your Name Across the Stars

current state of mind: bewildered

I could tell you "We belong together."

 And I could tell you "You belong with me."

 But we've run out of things to say

 And we'll be happy anyway so

~ “Another First Kiss” by They Might Be Giants

Do you remember your first ‘real’ kiss? I do. I don’t remember yours; but, I remember mine. I was 14. It was May, 1991. If I looked in my high school journal I could tell you the precise date and time. For now, let’s just be satisfied with me knowing the month and year.  His name was (and likely still is) *name omitted in case he Googles himself regularly – because I just found him on LinkedIn by doing just that*. He was a soccer player and very handsome. We met at an academic competition. I invited him and his friend to my house to watch a VHS movie with me and my cousin the following weekend. They came.

He held my hand while we watched a movie that I have completely buried in my memory.  I went downstairs to grab some more soda. Ben followed me.  Before I could walk into the kitchen, he said my name. I turned around, and then he leaned in and kissed me. His lips were soft. His hands went to my waist. I am sure I sighed. In my memory, the angels bowed at the splendor of such a romantic kiss. The reality is, it involved parted lips with no sloppiness. At 14, that’s a damn fine kiss. 30 seconds later, the moment ended and we went back upstairs to finish the movie. He held my hand again. The boys left as soon as the movie was over. And that was that.    

We had several mutual friends throughout high school and yet, *1st Kiss* and I never knowingly crossed paths again. I saw his picture in the newspaper a few years later. He was dribbling a soccer ball for his high school soccer team. The article said he had led his team to a much needed victory. He was still pretty good looking; however, by then I was ‘in love’ with a different soccer player and that first kiss was just a sweet memory. A teenage girl’s heart may be fickle; but, she never forgets her first kiss . . .

Especially when that girl keeps a detailed spreadsheet documenting the names of every boy she kissed up until her second husband was told he could “kiss the bride”.  It all gets a little fuzzy after that. . . Thankfully.

PERSONAL NOTE:  I miss you so very much. Hard to believe things are so different now than from when we first became friends. 

CONFIDENTIAL NOTE:  I wish I could hug you right now. I am sorry for your loss.   

I See the Shadows We Cast in the Cold Clean Night

Oh but I know love as a fading thing

Just as fickle as a feather in a stream

See, honey, I saw love, you see it came to me

It puts its face up to my face so I could see

Yeah then I saw love disfigure me

Into something I am not recognizing

~ “Song For Zula” by Phosphorescent

Once in a very great while, something extraordinary happens, and you are seduced into feeling what cannot be explained; but, you know it is profound. It resonates with such intensity that your heart breaks from the knowledge that this moment will never be replicated. I call these my ‘hallelujah pauses’, in reference to what I felt the first time I heard Jeff Buckley sing “Hallelujah”.   

You . . . wait . . . I . . . Yes, I . . . okay, *deep breath*     

Let’s start again. . . .

I spend a considerable amount of effort keeping the veneer on my emotions bright, shiny, and unblemished. I take pride in my innate tendency to behave with logic and pragmatism. I am not a ‘normal’ female who allows emotions and estrogen to dictate my actions. This creates a comfortable buffer zone between my emotions and my life. I know the emotions exist – but I am able to compartmentalize with the efficiency of an IKEA store. I value this quality; both in myself and in others. Therefore, when something pierces my ‘Kevlar vest’, I am forced to process without the benefit of familiarity.  

The first time I read “Music of Chance” by Paul Auster, I felt it rip through me. It changed my existence. I was a different person; not the same girl who read page one. I re-read this novel at least once a year. Every time I read it, I feel something new, something unexplored.

After watching the movie “Red Violin”, I was inconsolable. I sobbed for over an hour, then fell asleep. There was no rhyme or reason behind the apparent catharsis. I awakened to a puffy face and eyes that were practically swollen closed. I love the film and have watched it dozens of times since. Each viewing is emotionally stimulating.

A couple of weeks ago, ‘The Appraiser’ sent me, yet another, YouTube link which he promised is the best song he has ever heard. This is not the first time he has made such a promise. I was busy when he sent the link, and I closed the window before saving it. Then, last night, he sent me a message asking whether I ever listened to the song. He knows me all too well. I confirmed his suspicion that I had not done so. He acknowledged his tendency to exaggerate about music; but that this time it would be different. Instead of coming up with justification as to why I didn’t have time to listen, I requested the link again. Seizing the moment, I put on my headphones and clicked the play button.

The world ceased to exist, with the exception of what I was hearing. Everything I have ever known or felt was reborn during those 6 minutes and 11 seconds. When it was over, I consciously told myself to breathe. I wiped the tears that were unashamedly streaming down my face. I clicked the play button again. I tried to pinpoint what it was that was drawing me energy to another place, another time. I couldn’t. From the first note to the last, I just continued feeling as if the world was on ‘Pause’.

I cannot promise you that this particular song will invoke the same response from you. You may listen and feel ‘nothing’. I do, however, encourage you to take stock of your life’s ‘hallelujah pauses’. They are the Universe’s way of communicating revelations. They are not subtle and they will not be ignored or compartmentalized. Take note.               

Here is the “Song for Zula”:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FcdOLKx2XG8

PERSONAL NOTE: You are amazing and beautiful!

CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: Yes, hearing it is far better than reading it. Thank you for not being a moron.

     

Bi ciuin! Ta tinneas cinn orm

current state of mind: weathered

Blame it on the rain that was falling, falling

Blame it on the stars that did shine at night

Whatever you do don't put the blame on you

Blame it on the rain yeah yeah

~ “Blame It On the Rain” by Milli Vanilli (hee hee)

So, ‘your man’ from Galway has been pestering me about not writing. While I do not agree that it is a travesty that my thoughts have not been put in a public forum so that everyone can read them, I finally have something to write about. It hailed last night. Generally, I would refrain from discussing the weather; however, this particular hail storm was exceptionally brutal toward ‘Lucius Verus’,  everyone’s favorite 2010 Honda Civic.

 As soon as I heard the hail start, I ran to get a comforter so that I could cover Lucius . . . unfortunately, by the time I ran to the covered front porch, the hail was golf ball size and running into it would have been ill advised and remarkably stupid. All I could do was stand and watch the destruction rain down from the heavens.

Even Ebie was too stunned by the spectacle that she didn't cower under the bed or bark. She just cocked her head and watched hail pelt the neighborhood. This morning, the streets were covered with a fine, brown powder that were the remains of any dead leaves, which had been effectively ground up by the storm.

While Lucius is in ‘hospital’, I will have a lovely rental car, I’m sure. Perhaps I should take a road trip and put a few thousand miles on it. Hmmmm. . . any ideas?

 PERSONAL NOTE: Sliante! O m'anam, xo ~j

 CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: Happy Birthday to one of four!

Christian Louboutin and Lucius Verus

current state of mind: charmed

Oh, short on money, but long on time

Slowly strolling in the sweet sunshine

And I'm running late and I don't need an excuse

'Cause I'm wearing my brand new shoes

~ “New Shoes” by Paolo Nutini

I enjoy shoe shopping as much as the next girl; but when I find a shoe I like, I only need to buy two. I am also a bargain shopper. Yes, I will go so far as to shop in thrift stores and garage sales for cute, gently-worn shoes. As long as the insides can be disinfected, I am happy to pay a lower price. Unfortunately, used shoe buying is something that I only get to enjoy when I am shopping for my own shoes.

Shoe shopping for Lucius is an entirely different experience. Firstly, he requires two pairs; two in front and two in back. Secondly, there is no compromising on “gently used”. Only brand new will do for the emperor in my life.  Lastly, the shoes have to be comfortable, handle well in poor weather, and have a high speed rating since I tend to have a lead foot. I have been putting this ordeal off for some time. The recent snow storms have given me a gentle lesson in physics. Some of you know that I have been dreading the purchase of new tires for months. I really had hoped to make it through “one more winter”.    

A couple weeks ago I began the quest for finding the best tires at the best price. I have now visited more tire stores than department stores in 2013. I even price-shopped online; hoping to drive the local stores into price matching. It worked, kind of. That is, I did negotiate deals; but the sticker shock nearly sent me into defib, so I told all of the sales managers, etc that I needed time to “think about it”. I went so far as to convince myself that maybe I could just get one pair, have them installed in front and move the two best of the bad tires to the back. Lucius is front-wheel drive. It shouldnt matter that the rear tires are rather worn. They still have some tread depth to them.

Knowing that I am driving to Tejas this weekend, I began to have doubts about my money-saving plan. Realizing that I will be driving GirlTwin back here the following weekend, then home again the weekend after that inflated those doubts considerably. Yesterday’s adventure in the car wash when my wheels noticeably slipped on the very wet floor was the kicker. I made the appointment to get 4 brand new, all season, touring tires installed. Do not misunderstand . . . the price still causes me to gasp and mildly hyperventilate. I am not looking forward to the bill; but I am looking forward to knowing that GirlTwin will be riding 1500+ miles during early March in a vehicle that has 4 quality tires designed to handle the road in all types of weather.

Perhaps I can take a red Sharpie to them and create the first Louboutin-inspired, high fashion tires . . . or not.

PERSONAL NOTE: Maybe in the next lifetime, Mercury won’t have quite this effect.

CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: You were right. I was wrong.   

Holy Moly Oscar Night

current state of mind: winning!

Where worlds collide and days are dark

You may have my number

You can take my name

But you'll never have my heart

~ “Skyfall” by Adele

I attended my friend’s annual Academy Award-watching party on Sunday night. I did not dress up in a costume because there was no way I was going to win the costume contest. Every year, many of the attendees go “all out” with costumes that could have originated from the actual films. I am not that motivated or creative when it comes to costume design. My competitive spirit, however, does come out when it comes to the award predictions. The guest who correctly predicts the most award winners gets a gift card to a local movie theater. Every year, I miss the boat . . . until NOW!

Yours truly was remarkably successful on Sunday night with regards to predictions. In fact, I had already won before the final 3 awards were announced. SCORE! I was very excited and even gave a speech . . . . well, I tried to give a speech; but they started playing the orchestra music before I could even get my first “Thank you” out. Below are the categories I predicted with the accuracy of Nostradamus:

• Best Picture
• Directing
• Leading Actor
• Film Editing
• Sound Editing
• Leading Actress
• Supporting Actress
• Foreign Language Film
• Sound Mixing
• Animated Feature
• Visual Effects
• Adapted Screenplay
• Costume Design
• Original Song
• Original Screenplay

Personally, I think I did pretty darn well for someone who only saw “Argo”, “Brave”, “Skyfall”, “Les Mis”, and “Django Unchained”. Oh wait, I also saw “Ted”; clearly a classic. Of course, the show would not have been possible without the charm and wit of Seth MacFarlane. For starters, he is so handsome. That smile, holy moly; so endearing it makes me melt. He can sing, he can dance, he can mock, and he can make a girl remember why she loved Peter Brady.

Anyway, it is fun to be a winner on Oscar Night! I am in good company. None of this would have been possible without Ben Affleck, Daniel Day-Lewis, Jennifer Laurence, Anne Hathaway, Ang Lee, and Quentin Tarantino. Oh, and of course, Adele.

Oh and before I forget . . . a huge shout out to Ronda Rousey who proved to the world on Saturday that it is possible to be beautiful, feminine, and charming while kicking some serious a$$. But, please, Dana White, let the girl wear a real sports bra. Your choice almost cost her the belt.

PERSONAL NOTE: Let’s go to the movies. . .let’s go see the stars.

CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: Cannot wait to see you next week!!!!   

You’re Breaking Some New Ground There, Copernicus!

current state of mind: introspective

I'm not making a joke

You know me I take everything so seriously

If we wait for the time till all souls get it right

Then at least I know there'll be no nuclear annihilation in my life time

I'm still not right

~ “Galileo” by The Indigo Girls

Copernicus’s birthday was the other day. He is the reason that we know the Universe doesn't revolve around us. Instead, we revolve around the Sun which revolves around the center of the Milky Way which revolves around something else and so on. If you need an illustration, go to any elementary school science fair. Someone is bound to have a Styrofoam rendition of our solar system. I made mine in third grade. I did it myself. My parents cut the wire hangers for me; but that was the extent of their “help”. I wanted to be an astronomer. For my 8^th birthday, MiMadre bought me “Our Universe”; a pictorial book from National Geographic. It is still on my Top Ten Gifts ever received list.

What I have learned over the years is that we have very little control over our paths through the Universe. Gravitational pull is far stronger than human beings. Often it is intense emotional experiences which allow us to alter our paths. While we can fight against the inevitable for a short while, eventually, the explosion burns itself out and we are pulled back into our designated orbits.

I have been thinking about this theory with gusto. With the 7000 ton meteor fireball rocketing across the Russian sky and a potential upcoming asteroid collision, I cannot help but wonder why these things are careening out of their natural orbits and into our path. Is that how life is? I mean, the whole “Man makes plans, the Universe laughs” scenario seems to be pretty damn insightful. I am a planner. When a plan goes as intended, I am able to behave with logic and pragmatism. When a plan goes awry, holy moly, I feel as if the Universe has slapped me on the back of the head (think Gibbs and Tony in NCIS).

There doesn't seem to be a viable solution. I have contingency plans for my contingency plans. Yet, there are still blizzards, impromptu meetings, lost keys, demagnetized ‘magnetic’ strips, obligations (both good and bad), and pie crust promises. For the most part, I have followed a lifestyle which promotes “no implicit expectations”. I have found that my temperament is far more agreeable than before. Still, I have my moments.

I hope you understand.

PERSONAL NOTE: All 4 seasons have been covered. Let’s do book covers next.

CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: You’ll soon be given a choice.  

Scream and Shout

current state of mind: awake

 'Cause it's a beautiful night, we're looking for something fun to do

Hey, baby, I think I’m gonna tickle you

Is it the look in your eyes or is it this dancing juice?

Who cares baby, I think I’m gonna tickle you

~ “Tickle You” by K-Shrub (parody of ‘Marry You’ by Bruno Mars)

This Saturday night, I’m hosting a rave. . . . a baby rave. Ain't no party like a Baby B party 'Cause the Baby B party don't stop, yo! The guest list is exclusive and there are guaranteed celebrity sightings.

K-Shrub is going to her first “returning to a social life” event on Saturday night and I was chosen to keep Baby B all night. Now, in reality, K-Shrub will be returning to the house after Baby B and I are in bed, so we won’t actually be partying ALL NIGHT -- BUT, it is still an amazing opportunity to spend time with my dragonfly. Plus, I can say with full confidence that one of us will be “spitting up” by 4am.  We know how to party!

I am actually supposed to be writing something else right now. I owe a 3000 word article to a friend for her zine. It was due this past weekend. Clearly, I am behind. I have the idea and have begun writing the article. Unfortunately, my muse is on a coffee break, had a family emergency,  or went out to get cigarettes. . . something like that.

Oh well. It’ll happen. It always does.

PERSONAL NOTE: I miss your face.

CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: Never mind.

And we're back. . .

current state of mind: foggy

Here I am staring at your perfection;

In my arms, so beautiful

The sky is getting bright, the stars are burning out

Somebody slow it down; this is way too hard

'Cause I know, when the sun comes up I will leave

This is my last glance; that will soon be memory

~ “Daylight” by Maroon 5

“My tummy hurts. I blame K-shrub. She introduced me to Quaker Honey Graham OH’s cereal. It’s very addicting. I have consumed 10.5 oz. of the stuff over the past 24 hours. I couldn’t help myself. I brought the half full box to work and now all the cereal is gone. I ate it; all of it. “ – written last week

I suppose I will just continue where I left off since I haven’t been writing much anyway. For those of you who have expressed worry over my lack of writing, please put your minds at ease. I have just been fighting a cold, a busy work schedule, and an epiphany. Yes, I have been fighting all three of those things. The cold is the easiest, thus far. It merely consists of an earache and some sniffles. Those are easy obstacles to conquer.

The work schedule has been really hectic. It appears that “keeping the lights on” is far more time consuming than one would think. Still, if I just keep my head down and continue working at an aggressive pace, things will surely slow down eventually.

The epiphany is an entirely different beast altogether. Let’s start with today’s horoscope: 

“You might feel somewhat uncomfortable with your irrational mood swings at work and stemming from a love life dilemma today. as the emotional Moon visits your analytical sign. Avoid any tasks that require high levels of concentration, for you may not be able to prevent your mind from wandering now. Even if you want to take the day off, you're unwilling to disappoint those who depend on you. However, scheduling short breaks throughout the day improves your ability to focus on the work at hand.”

I do not enjoy when my behavior (and emotional state) create irrational and circular thinking. Lately, the stars have been aligned against me behaving logically.

Hahaha, okay, this e-mail just cheered me up. . . ready for this? I cut and pasted the first paragraph so that you could see it, typos and all. Read on, then I will tell you why I found this to be so amusing. . . 

“It was great having you in class, and that you were so dedicated yo meeting your health and fitnesss goals! The path to a healthy and sustainable lifestyle can really be a challenge, so we want to try and make things as easy as possible for you. Yes, it is a New Year and you probably have new goals to attain.  We want to help you stay committed and focused on those fitness and health goals.”

I will not name the establishment; but can disclose that the focus is on cardio kickboxing and martial arts. My issues with this e-mail are a plenty. Why do companies send out e-mails that have not been checked for basic spelling and grammar errors? I generally refuse to give a company a second look when this happens. The typos, however, are not why I laughed so heartily at this e-mail. I laughed because the encouraging words shared above were clearly meant for someone else. Don’t misunderstand. . . I went to the place and worked out … ONCE.

It kicked my tail and the weather was cold so I never went back. Lame, I know. I was not at all dedicated. BUT – this guy said I was. . . and he ONLY said it because he wants my money. I know this because he never once e-mailed me to find out why I didn't return.  Therefore, I am NOT going to return EVER. . . NEVER EVER.

But, I do need to lose 6 lbs. in 3 weeks. Anyone have a plan that is easy to follow and doesn't require me to stop drinking Diet Coke? If so, submit your suggestions.

Namaste!

PERSONAL NOTE: “Hello, madam.”

CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: Game Over.