current state of mind: disappointed
Everything I did was wrong
Everything you said was true
I've been hiding way too long
All I really want is you
~ “All I Want to Do” by Jude
- “Why aren't you blogging?” my friend asked.
- “I am. Just not as often as I used to do so,” I responded.
Then I
thought about it and wondered why I have been writing less often. I suppose it’s
because I am busy trying to accomplish things before the weather turns to shite
and I am stuck indoors for months. Also, my laptop has been temperamental.
Plus, I have been painting cabinets with magnetic primer, which floods the
apartment with fumes that may be killing my brain cells too quickly for me to
write coherently.
- “Do you not allow comments on your blog?” ‘BB’ asked. “Most bloggers are flattered by comments, both good and bad . . . “ he said.
- “Why would people want to comment? LOL,” was my response.
- “Because it is a BLOG! That is what blogs are for! They are interactive!” he exclaimed, as if he were talking to an amusing child.
- “I don’t blog to be publicly interactive,” I responded.
- “Okay. I understand. As long as you are self-aware that you are dancing to the beat of your own drum, that is cool,” ‘BB’ stated in his last message.
This is not
your everyday dating site conversation. Strike that. It may be YOUR everyday dating
site conversation; it is definitely not mine. Most of my dating site
conversations involve me typing, “Thank you for your message. I am not
interested in corresponding. All the best on your journey.” Very few people who
send messages via the dating site actually have a conversation with me. It isn't because I am better than any of them. I don’t believe that I am; even when a
response comes back calling me shallow, unattractive, stuck-up, too picky, and
every other negative descriptor that makes the rejected feel better. I just
know myself well enough to not waste someone else’s time when I know there is
not a “connection”. Maybe I could respond with total transparency and explain
that I am on the site as a homework assignment for my counselor. The thing is,
if I were to do that, then I would be hiding behind the very activity which is
supposed to be helping me practice healthy communication skills with potential
love interests. I am supposed to be looking for red flags and identifying
interactions which make me feel uncomfortable, while opening myself up to
healthy vulnerability. Moving on . . .
The
referenced conversation above sparked some introspection; because, the Universe
knows I don’t get enough of that in my life. I suppose that I first started
writing publicly so that I knew I was being heard. I didn't care who listened
to me, as long as someone did. I lived a pretty sterile existence at the time
and preferred my thoughts being read by strangers than by people I knew. Now,
however, it is different. It appears, to me anyway, that I have evolved. While
I still welcome the general public to read what I have written, I actually
write to be heard by those who know me. I know that words on a screen are not
nearly as intimate as a face-to-face conversation. Still, it’s a start.
With that, I
am signing off until my muse pinches me in the arm once again.
PERSONAL NOTE: Congratulations! I
cannot wait to hear all about it.
CONFIDENTIAL NOTE 1: “Son, your ego is
writing checks your body can’t cash.” ~ Stinger, Top Gun
CONFIDENTIAL NOTE 2: “That’s a pie
crust promise; easily made, easily broken.” ~ Mary Poppins
