Current state of mind: precariously balanced
You can keep up, keep on moving
Chasing the sound of the sun somewhere going
down
I have a love, but the road royally did
annoint
Leave my queen to be king of the vanishing
point
I go further out, deeper down into the hole
Keep losing pieces in an effort to make
things whole
~ “Love Remains” by Red Wanting Blue
It was brought
to my attention that I am not at my most coherent when trying to verbally share
my feelings. I would agree. Sometimes my brain is faster than my vocal
cords, resulting in a mish-mash of thoughts and words. When I write, however, the time it takes for
my nervous system to react to my thoughts and make my hands function
accordingly allows everything to catch up.
I suppose this is a good thing, considering I write my feelings far more
often than I speak them.
The major
issue I see with writing feelings down, though, is that they are tangible. There is proof that the feelings were
experienced, processed, and shared.
Wouldn’t it be better to just shout them to an un-listening world so
that they can never be used against me? Shouldn’t
I be fearful that you will throw them back in my face? Will you do that eventually? How do we know when we have found a safe cove
(or safe harbor for those of you who don’t enjoy mixing metaphors)? What if you are really just an ambush waiting
to happen? Trust is a precarious
thing.
I used to
believe that people should earn my trust.
I would slowly open up to them until eventually I felt they had proven
themselves as being reliable and discrete and non-judgmental. Experience has shown this particular method
of weeding out the deceivers to be completely ineffective. Trust can be torn down through experience;
but not established. Now, I trust my
intuition instead of logic and analysis.
Sometimes it feels dangerous to live this way; and sometimes it likely
is. Living the alternative is far more dangerous, however. I have
spent 95% of my adult life within the confines of a walled fortress. It is no way to exist. In fact, it is a very lonely existence, even
when surrounded by people who love and care for you.
So, please,
do me a favor. Find a safe cove where
you can surrender your control and your fears.
Let the warm water caress your toes as the sand exfoliates the scales
and callouses which harden you to the elements.
Allow the sun to penetrate the inner chill. There is time enough to protect yourself from
the evils of the world. I promise you
that the harsh winds will still be blowing when you emerge. Life will still throw obstacles and fear in
your path. Your ship will still be
battered by storms. The knowledge,
however, that there is a place of refuge, a place where you are able to just be
– without pretense, will get you through.
You will discover that you never realized just how safe you were until
you opened your eyes. At least that is
how it is for me. And for that, I thank
you.
PERSONAL NOTE: I am hungry.
CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: You know I am right – and while it may
unsettle you, it is worth the discomfort.
Trust me.
