current state of mind: practically perfect
in every way
Roll around this roundabout
Oh yeah
Take me to our best friend’s house
I loved you then and I love you now
~ ‘Tongue Tied’ by Group Love
It should be
noted that I do not like cemeteries; even at funerals, I seldom get out of the
car to stand graveside. There is one
exception to this blanket “no cemetery” rule.
Two to three times a year, I visit one grave to leave flowers, pull some
weeds, and ‘have a chat’ per se.
Yesterday, I left a bouquet of white flowers. The weather was cold and rainy; fitting
weather for the 21st anniversary of a child’s death. Unlike in years past, however, I knew that I
would likely be the only visitor of the day.
I took great care in removing all of the weeds growing around the marker
stone and verified that the decorations around the stone were anchored securely,
so as not to fall over. Once the
obligatory ‘chores’ were finished, I followed the same pattern that I have
followed since that first visit so many years ago. I traced my fingers over the raised letters
of the stone. I touched his portrait,
protected by plexi-glass, and I told him how very much he is missed and
loved. As always, before leaving, I
whispered a short prayer, more for my sake than his, and I walked away.
This ritual is
one I have followed so many times before, yet it never loses any of its
significance to me. I don’t ‘just go
through the motions’. Each act is
deliberate and thoughtful. For years, I
did these things because I was filled with such sadness that the ceremonial
visits were the only way I could release some of the pain. Now, I do them because his father has joined
him and his mother has moved away to be closer to her living family. It means a great deal to me to know that when
his mother returns to her son’s resting place that it is in a condition which
shows that her son has not been forgotten.
My ‘own’
children are 14; the same age as I was when the loss of a friend irreparably changed
my life. Four years ago I sat in my
apartment, surrounded by boxes and I wrote about my friend and guilt and
unfulfilled promises. http://geniusinwonderland.blogspot.com/2008/04/cobwebs-and-dark-days.html
Since that posting, I have been granted multiple opportunities to live and love
– and I have chosen to pull some people closer when I would have rather pushed
them away. I am still afraid, sometimes,
of losing people; and I feel compelled to ask for reassurance from those I love. Overall, however, I have lived a promise two
decades in the making. And for that I am
grateful.
PUBLIC NOTE: Forgive yourself for
something out of your control and hug someone because you can.
PERSONAL NOTE: Things could be worse. You could live with her. Oh, wait, you do. Hahahahaha
CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: Now you know why I don’t filter even when I
should. I cannot wait to see you.
