current mood: introspective
And all my rage sits inside,
And even the finest things are leaving you hollow.
And all my days left behind,
And even the finest things are leaving you hollow.
And the sky is blue, and so are you.
~ “Hollow” by Better than Ezra
It must seem that there has been nothing to read around here for a while. It’s true that there haven’t been many posts these past several weeks. It doesn’t mean I haven’t been writing; it just means that I haven’t been writing for your eyes. I have actually been writing quite a bit. Granted, I am penning an anonymous ‘blog’ elsewhere, where my identity is secret, my postings are pointed, and my audience is targeted. This has kept me from boring you with topics that do not run along the mainstream.
In addition, I am taking two paralegal classes, which has me reading multiple chapters, writing assignments, and preparing for discussion. I even took out ‘Eidetic Vision’ in hopes that I could begin writing it again. Alas, my muse seems to have deserted me in that area. Now, I just hope I can convert it into a short story so that I no longer need to worry about it. It symbolizes my own failure – frustrating me on a frequent basis. To be honest, I am tired. And that frustrates me as well.
There is so much I want to do and accomplish and . . . and . . . I never seem to catch up with my potential. That damn potential which has haunted me since I sobbed in hysterics in 3rd grade when I received a B+ on a math exam. That is my first memory of truly disappointing myself – I was 8. I regret to inform you that the feeling has never actually dissipated. I still hear the voice in my head telling me that I suck at math. That voice, however, has picked up a few more things to berate me about over the years, and even some people who reiterate what the voice says, just in case I forget that my hand-eye-coordination is lacking or that I didn’t finish my Masters degree or that I am broken because I cannot procreate. Yes, the ‘voices of reason’ have been busy (both inside my head and in the people who live and breathe on this spinning ball of rock and water).
When I sit down and attempt to list all the things that must be accomplished, my left hand grows its own brain and only writes mundane chores, such as going to the bank or the post office. I can feel the first waves of a panic attack and while they don’t evolve into a full-blown anxiety hurricane, they do enough damage to the psyche that I am hoping FEMA responds with a check soon (or at least an asbestos-filled trailer).
NBF is away at law school. Indiana may only be 10 hours by car – but it may as well be ½ way across the world until I go to visit at Thanksgiving. The ‘gap’ between a law student and the rest of the non-law students of the world is a large one. I am doing my best to just sit back and ‘go with the flow’. I don’t want to be another stressor. Plus I have too much stress in my own life to worry about something out of my control.
I think longingly of that TV show from the 80s about the girl who was an alien and could stop time. I want that girl’s power. Damn, what I wouldn’t give to be able to stop this world from spinning for just a little while.
PERSONAL NOTE: That baby will be here anytime now – get all the rest you can until then.
CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: No, I don’t think so. It was a good idea in theory; but practical applications are limited.
