17 years ago today, on a cloudy Sunday afternoon, I stood in front of my mom and told her that I wanted to die. I was 14 years old. I imagine that many a teenage girl tells her mother such things. The hormones go crazy inside the teenage female body, causing intense mood swings and drama. As fate would have it, my mom took my threat seriously and she scheduled me a counseling appointment the very next day. That action most likely saved my life.
Tomorrow, I will honor the memory of a 15 year old boy who took his own life on April 29, 1991. His name was Chad Walter Harlow. He was 6'2", with blond hair that flopped in his eyes more often than not. He was very smart and a class clown. He was sweet and affectionate and a snob to some. He wasn't perfect, I can promise you that. But – he was loved. Tomorrow, his family will spend its 17th April 29th without him. His mom will go to his grave and leave flowers, most likely a planter of them, and she will mourn her youngest son's violent passing.
And what will I do, you wonder. I will spend it as I do every year. I will pray for his soul. I will pray for his family. I will pray for myself. And I will try to remember his smile and his mirth. I will conjure images of my past; images that don't readily come when called, due to their age. I will look for joy.
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that I am not just mourning an individual; one boy; one child; one life. I am mourning the loss of innocence for an entire Freshman class. I am mourning the loss of grandchildren for a mother and father who had no idea their son was sad. I am mourning the years that were lost to those who felt guilt and sorrow and despair over his untimely death.
I think, well, I know, that I will never again love with the abandon that I did at the age of 14. I have abandonment issues. I am glued together from years of being broken and chipped. It's okay. I will learn more this year than I did last year. I will change for the better. And this year, I will try to forgive myself for something that I cannot change; something that has haunted me for so long that I barely notice its presence anymore.
Today, I will make the same promise that I make every year -- yet never seem to follow through on: I will quit pushing people away just because I am afraid of losing them.
Personal Note to Someone from a Previous Life: Isn't it funny how you think you are supposed to learn one lesson - when another one is staring you in the face?
28 April 2008
19 April 2008
Drunken Blogging - it's been a while
Holy moly, people! One bottle of Pinot Grigio and a glass of Samuel Adams later, I am ready to chat. I have already texted people who have a brain-- I know this because they are not texting back. No one wants to converse with a drunk person -- no matter how good of friends we are. I get it. I am okay with it. I need to just vent anyway -- so why not vent here -- a place of freedom and anonymity. Seriously, there is no anomynity on myspace anymore - or anywhere for that matter. But I am fricking sick of hiding away in my private world worried that someone may read what I write and get upset. For pete's sake, I used to be a top 20 blogger. Now, I am just another no one on the internet. Well that works for me, because what I have to say is probably best left to those who don't know me.
Let me tell you a little about myself. I am 31 years old, twice divorced, mother to no birth children, and a loving pet owner. I used to be a genius -- now, I am just happy when I can put two sentences together. I have a dog who loves me, a cat who tolerates me, and a family who drives me crazy. My boyfriend enjoys giving me the silent treatment and my best friend, well, she is one hell of a woman. My ex-husband 2 hates me, and ex-husband 1 works at the same place as an old friend of mine. That has to be awkward. LOL I am soon moving to Nebraska, a place that I swore would never be my home again. I would move to where my boyfriend is, but as it is, he can barely stand me when I visit. I have a feeling that he'd disappear completely out of my life if I showed up in a u-haul.
I used to suffer from insomnia - and now I suffer from too much sleep. I think it is my only coping mechanism. I am moving soon, like I said, and I need to pack a lot of crap. I have reduced my book collection by almost 800 books, and that was no small feat. Still, it looks like I will have a lot to move. I am trying to sell my washer/dryer set and my antique bedroom suite. If you know anyone looking, let me know.
If I could have anything in the world, it would be a child of my own. One that I could love unconditionally and one that could not be taken away from me by hateful jackasses who only give a shit about themselves. If I could have two things in the world, I would also want a man who loves me for me -- one that doesn't hide away from me when he doesn't like what I have to say. I imagine a life similar to the one I used to have, except without the abusive husband and the manipulative in-laws. I imagine a life where I can be myself.
It's 3am and I must be lonely. It's true. I am lonely. Right now, in all honesty., I'd give up my current existence, just to not have to go to bed alone. I hate going to bed alone. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
And I don't hate much. I mean, I don't even hate my ex. I only wish him happiness. I . . . I guess it is because I know that I didn't make him happy. Not in the end -- and most likely not in the beginning either. I tried to be a good wife - but, well, I failed. In the end, that is what happened. I failed. There is no going back for a do-over, so I will keep moving forward. I have to. Because standing around waiting for life to happen doesn't help anyone.
Like I mentioned before, I have a boyfriend. He's truly all that I have ever imagined in a man. He is bright, handsome, loving, driven, and self-sufficient. Still, I am not so sure that those traits give him the right to give me the silent treatment when it suits him. And they certinly do not give him the right to be careless with my feelings. I have a history of allowing boys to behave badly. I excuse their behaviour because I love them or care about them or whatever.
It is a fault that I have yet to overcome. I have been a fool hundreds of times over because of this fault. Am I doing it again? Will he read this blog and be upset that i have 'outed'; his poor behaviour to all of my readers? Will he even care? I don't know. And, honestly, right now, I don't give a fuck.
I started out writing this blog drunk, but I have a feeling that sobriety has taken over. Because I am tired of being the one who shuts up and puts up.
It comes down to this: If you want to be with me, then be with me -- if you don't, then please be honest with me. I am not crawling on the ground for another man again.
Good night!
Let me tell you a little about myself. I am 31 years old, twice divorced, mother to no birth children, and a loving pet owner. I used to be a genius -- now, I am just happy when I can put two sentences together. I have a dog who loves me, a cat who tolerates me, and a family who drives me crazy. My boyfriend enjoys giving me the silent treatment and my best friend, well, she is one hell of a woman. My ex-husband 2 hates me, and ex-husband 1 works at the same place as an old friend of mine. That has to be awkward. LOL I am soon moving to Nebraska, a place that I swore would never be my home again. I would move to where my boyfriend is, but as it is, he can barely stand me when I visit. I have a feeling that he'd disappear completely out of my life if I showed up in a u-haul.
I used to suffer from insomnia - and now I suffer from too much sleep. I think it is my only coping mechanism. I am moving soon, like I said, and I need to pack a lot of crap. I have reduced my book collection by almost 800 books, and that was no small feat. Still, it looks like I will have a lot to move. I am trying to sell my washer/dryer set and my antique bedroom suite. If you know anyone looking, let me know.
If I could have anything in the world, it would be a child of my own. One that I could love unconditionally and one that could not be taken away from me by hateful jackasses who only give a shit about themselves. If I could have two things in the world, I would also want a man who loves me for me -- one that doesn't hide away from me when he doesn't like what I have to say. I imagine a life similar to the one I used to have, except without the abusive husband and the manipulative in-laws. I imagine a life where I can be myself.
It's 3am and I must be lonely. It's true. I am lonely. Right now, in all honesty., I'd give up my current existence, just to not have to go to bed alone. I hate going to bed alone. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
And I don't hate much. I mean, I don't even hate my ex. I only wish him happiness. I . . . I guess it is because I know that I didn't make him happy. Not in the end -- and most likely not in the beginning either. I tried to be a good wife - but, well, I failed. In the end, that is what happened. I failed. There is no going back for a do-over, so I will keep moving forward. I have to. Because standing around waiting for life to happen doesn't help anyone.
Like I mentioned before, I have a boyfriend. He's truly all that I have ever imagined in a man. He is bright, handsome, loving, driven, and self-sufficient. Still, I am not so sure that those traits give him the right to give me the silent treatment when it suits him. And they certinly do not give him the right to be careless with my feelings. I have a history of allowing boys to behave badly. I excuse their behaviour because I love them or care about them or whatever.
It is a fault that I have yet to overcome. I have been a fool hundreds of times over because of this fault. Am I doing it again? Will he read this blog and be upset that i have 'outed'; his poor behaviour to all of my readers? Will he even care? I don't know. And, honestly, right now, I don't give a fuck.
I started out writing this blog drunk, but I have a feeling that sobriety has taken over. Because I am tired of being the one who shuts up and puts up.
It comes down to this: If you want to be with me, then be with me -- if you don't, then please be honest with me. I am not crawling on the ground for another man again.
Good night!
16 April 2008
My Apologies
Work has been ultra-busy which is why I have not blogged in forever -- I will remedy this shortly.
Until then, please entertain yourself by going to www.hulu.com.
Love and kisses!!!!
Until then, please entertain yourself by going to www.hulu.com.
Love and kisses!!!!
13 April 2008
Green as Green can be
We’ll start with Envy because I commit this sin far more often than I would like to admit. Generally, I am guilty of coveting the lives of others – even when I know that rationally their lives are no better than mine. I look at pictures of other women – and I am envious to the point that my tummy hurts sometimes. What is funny is that most times, my envy is due to a feeling of inadequacy in comparison to the person.
For example, my boyfriend’s ex-wife is very pretty. I have never met her in person – obviously – but from photographs I have seen – she is lovely. She has a nice singing voice, is musically inclined, and overall, I seem to ’enjoy’ comparing myself to her. I know it is not rational (nor emotionally healthy) but it is what it is, I suppose. It is a sin for me to make this comparison – and I need to stop doing it. Still, it is hard.
I do the same thing with my ex-husband’s current girlfriend. She is younger, and apparently far more inspirational than I ever was, as he is making life changes that I could never get him to make (i.e. flying; controlling his temper; focusing on the partner more; etc). Most importantly – she is fertile. She has a son. She will be able to give him more babies, if they want them. He is friendlier at work now too – not to me of course – but to other people. He always has someone or another at his desk chatting. While we were married, he never even liked other people. And more than anything, I am envious that she is now the ’step-mom’ in his children’s lives. If I am honest with myself, it is a role that will never belong to me again, and I truly need to let it go and not try to hold on to the only connection to motherhood that I have had. It is hers now.
So – Envy, I am going to bid you adieu (just not today).
For example, my boyfriend’s ex-wife is very pretty. I have never met her in person – obviously – but from photographs I have seen – she is lovely. She has a nice singing voice, is musically inclined, and overall, I seem to ’enjoy’ comparing myself to her. I know it is not rational (nor emotionally healthy) but it is what it is, I suppose. It is a sin for me to make this comparison – and I need to stop doing it. Still, it is hard.
I do the same thing with my ex-husband’s current girlfriend. She is younger, and apparently far more inspirational than I ever was, as he is making life changes that I could never get him to make (i.e. flying; controlling his temper; focusing on the partner more; etc). Most importantly – she is fertile. She has a son. She will be able to give him more babies, if they want them. He is friendlier at work now too – not to me of course – but to other people. He always has someone or another at his desk chatting. While we were married, he never even liked other people. And more than anything, I am envious that she is now the ’step-mom’ in his children’s lives. If I am honest with myself, it is a role that will never belong to me again, and I truly need to let it go and not try to hold on to the only connection to motherhood that I have had. It is hers now.
So – Envy, I am going to bid you adieu (just not today).
01 April 2008
Green as Green can be
We’ll start with Envy because I commit this sin far more often than I would like to admit. Generally, I am guilty of coveting the lives of others – even when I know that rationally their lives are no better than mine. I look at pictures of other women – and I am envious to the point that my tummy hurts sometimes. What is funny is that most times, my envy is due to a feeling of inadequacy in comparison to the person.
For example, my boyfriend’s ex-wife is very pretty. I have never met her in person – obviously – but from photographs I have seen – she is lovely. She has a nice singing voice, is musically inclined, and overall, I seem to ’enjoy’ comparing myself to her. I know it is not rational (nor emotionally healthy) but it is what it is, I suppose. It is a sin for me to make this comparison – and I need to stop doing it. Still, it is hard.
I do the same thing with my ex-husband’s current girlfriend. She is younger, and apparently far more inspirational than I ever was, as he is making life changes that I could never get him to make (i.e. flying; controlling his temper; focusing on the partner more; etc). Most importantly – she is fertile. She has a son. She will be able to give him more babies, if they want them. He is friendlier at work now too – not to me of course – but to other people. He always has someone or another at his desk chatting. While we were married, he never even liked other people. And more than anything, I am envious that she is now the ’step-mom’ in his children’s lives. If I am honest with myself, it is a role that will never belong to me again, and I truly need to let it go and not try to hold on to the only connection to motherhood that I have had. It is hers now.
So – Envy, I am going to bid you adieu (just not today).
For example, my boyfriend’s ex-wife is very pretty. I have never met her in person – obviously – but from photographs I have seen – she is lovely. She has a nice singing voice, is musically inclined, and overall, I seem to ’enjoy’ comparing myself to her. I know it is not rational (nor emotionally healthy) but it is what it is, I suppose. It is a sin for me to make this comparison – and I need to stop doing it. Still, it is hard.
I do the same thing with my ex-husband’s current girlfriend. She is younger, and apparently far more inspirational than I ever was, as he is making life changes that I could never get him to make (i.e. flying; controlling his temper; focusing on the partner more; etc). Most importantly – she is fertile. She has a son. She will be able to give him more babies, if they want them. He is friendlier at work now too – not to me of course – but to other people. He always has someone or another at his desk chatting. While we were married, he never even liked other people. And more than anything, I am envious that she is now the ’step-mom’ in his children’s lives. If I am honest with myself, it is a role that will never belong to me again, and I truly need to let it go and not try to hold on to the only connection to motherhood that I have had. It is hers now.
So – Envy, I am going to bid you adieu (just not today).
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